Why Do I Miss My Abusive Ex Even Though I Know They Were Toxic?

Why Do I Miss My Abusive Ex Even Though I Know They Were Toxic?

The short answer

Because your mind knows the truth, but your nervous system is still attached.

Missing them doesn’t mean the relationship was healthy. It means your body adapted to it, even possibly addicted. There’s a whole lotta hormones firing around in a really toxic relationship.

What’s actually going on

When a relationship is toxic, it isn’t bad all the time. Especially where gaslighting is present, where love bombing was present (in the early days), breadcrumbing etc. Throw in a good dollop of The Drama Triangle we’ve got a heady cocktail.

There are:

• highs (connection, affection, hope)

• lows (withdrawal, criticism, control)

That inconsistency creates a powerful emotional loop. Your brain starts chasing the “good moments” because they feel like relief. No different to an alcoholic reliving the discomfort of the withdrawals with a drink, or a smoker reaching for a cigarette. Your brain is wired to seek out comfort … even if that comfort isn’t good for us.

Over time, this creates a bond based on survival, not safety.

Why it feels so intense

You’re not just missing a person.

You’re missing:

• the version of them you hoped they would become

• the relief after conflict

• the familiarity (even if it was painful)

Your system got used to cycling between stress and relief. Without it, everything can feel flat, empty, or wrong. Anxiety and panic, poor sleep, inability to focus or regulate your emotions in general, tiredness that isn’t relieved by rest … are all common and that list isn’t exhaustive.

Common signs this could be happening

• You think about the good times more than the bad

• You feel a strong urge to reach out, especially when you’re low

• You question whether it was “really that bad”

• You feel restless or unsettled without them

What actually helps

This isn’t about willpower. It’s about understanding and stabilising your system.

Start here:

• Name it properly. This isn’t love pulling you back. It’s conditioning.

• Stop replaying only the highlights. Easier said than done I know but thoughts can be challenged. Write down what actually happened, not the edited version.

• Expect withdrawal. Expect discomfort that can appear physically or/and emotionally.

  That pull you feel? It’s real. Treat it like breaking any addictive pattern.

• Create new stability. Both in your present and building it for the future. Calm, consistent environments will feel unfamiliar at first. Give things time.

Final thought

Missing them doesn’t mean you should go back.

It means your system hasn’t caught up with your decision yet.

And that takes time. You didn’t reach this point overnight and the rebuilding and retiring won’t happen overnight either.